my  mom's going to keep making back handed comments to me and i'm going to blow the fuck up.


i'm hanging out with andi and ryan, she calls...
"MELISSA YOU KNOW YOU'RE STILL A MARRIED WOMAN!"
me- "WTF DOES THAT HAVE TO DO WITH ANYTHING?"
i didn't even wait for a responce i just hung up.

today she's on the phone with GOD KNOWS WHO
running her fucking mouth like always talking about MY SHIT
my fucking buisness...
"Well Melissa needs insurance and a job and blahblahblah. I don't agree at all but she told brett to keep a portion of the child support and keep her on the car insurance, whatever her car costs for the month. What's the baby going to do."

OK you ignorant son of a bitch, my insurance is due on the 27th. I dont have the time or the money to switch policies right now. As soon as I get a job they'll hold back a week or two so that fucks me. Eventually i'll have a paycheck and madison will be taken care of.... she will be no matter what.
I'm so fucking tired of this bullshit that i'm ready to throw everything in the god damn car
and get the fuck out of georgia and go back to florida. I'm SICK of it, guys.

Ugh. Things are so up and down & on and off again that I feel like I'm spinning in circles.


Job. Must. Find. a. Job! I'll be looking today at all kinds of daycares, & looking for a school worthy of my time. Hrmmph. Someone call me or come with me to keep me sane!!!!~!!

 i'm so insanely upset right now that i can't stand it. this is so unlike me. i can't believe it.  

i don't know, maybe other moms go through this too. i want to go back to Florida.

 Most of you are already aware of the fact that Brett is back in Atlanta. According to his family he couldn't get outta here fast enough. He left I guess .. friday. Anyways, I'm leaving in two days. My last work day is on the 5th. then the morning of the 6th we're leaving. Some of you Atlanta chicks are disgusting. I hope he makes you suck him off and you get some nasty shit in your throat. All of you skanks. ALL OF YOU. I'm so sick of you guys and I'm not even there.


LET ME JUST SAY THIS, and when I do I wish you'd take to heart...

IF YOU DECIDE TO ASSOCIATE YOURSELF WITH BRETT PATRICK DOWIS
GO AHEAD AND REMOVE ME FROM YOUR LIFE BEFORE I EMBARRASS YOU.
In other words I don't want to hear about when you last talked to him, saw him... what you've heard he's doing, has done, or is gonna do. I don't want to hear that name PERIOD and if I do just walk off, don't bother saying good bye. I have no remorse for those of you that choose to speak with him. Sorry?? Except, not really.

Last night Janice and I had a talk & I guess we figured out that everything Brett and I argue over can easily be solved... Hahaha. Well. I was going to try to patch things up and I put the ring back on and asked him if he'd sleep in the bed with me. So, shortly after we crawl into bed the baby wakes up and I get her and I'm rocking her and she is crying so hard it's intense. I knew it wasn't just something little. Well, she wasn't wet or dirty. And I was trying to comfort her but she is wriggling all over the place and grunting and squirming ... so I was getting a little frustrated after a while. Brett's laying there and he starts talking about the proper way to let her know that this is a no no. Well I'm still sitting here trying to figure out what in the world is wrong with her because she's crying so furiously and squirming so much that I'm having a hard time holding on to her, he kept saying "Give her to me, give her to me" and I refused. After a while he said just to tell her NO and he said it really loud. And I told him to stop, and I tried to keep doing what I knew was best to do. Well after 10 minutes or more of this he takes her from me, puts her face an inch away from his, and yells at her, "Madison, NO! NO! Madison, STOP IT! NO!"
I snapped. You do not get in an infants face and scream like that. Madison at this point is crying so hard that she's stopped breathing, no sound is coming out, nothing. Huge tears start streaming down her face [there were no tears before he did that] and now she's not breathing. I slammed my fist into her crib, screamed a few choice words at Brett, picked Madison up & walked out. So now Janice is awake and wondering wtf is going on. Bretts cussing every name in the book at me and slams the door, then beats his hands against the wall, & turns over the photographs in the room, & continues to curse and curse. So now I'M even MORE furious. Brett's trying to make himself seem like the worlds number one daddy because he disciplined his 6 month old daughter by scaring her to fucking death, but now he's saying "I DIDNT YELL." Okay, so, anyone who knows Brett ... knows how loud and booming his voice is. He was practically screaming. Anyways. As he's trying to justify everything he starts talking about how CRUEL I am for asking him to come back in the bed and how he cannot believe he ever let me talk him into it. First of all, all I had to say was "will you sleep in the bed?" there was no convincing of any sort on my part. Second of all. I continued telling him and asking him to leave it alone and not to do what he was about to do [scream in her face]. So, he knew what was coming. It's just his crazy ass way of trying to show authority. I say no, he says yes. He's quick to do something the minute the word "don't" comes out of my mouth. So all night last night he's on his cell phone texting this poor 16 year old child about his marital problems. PLEASE, the girl doesn't understand any of it. All she's hearing anyways is his pity party bullshit which is a round about way of him eventually getting her to let him fuck the hell out of her and leave her high and dry. Fucking pedophile. He is so see through, I don't understand why people actually feel sorry for him.

Ughhghhhhhh. I want these papers signed and filed right now and  I do not want to see him ever again, which sucks for me because Madison has his genes.

Since my life has suddenly come to a stop all it consists of as of now is madison, work, & reading.


All you book worms recommend me some good reads, please.

This is absolutely disgusting how completely well he is handling everything. BUT at least it shows me that I'm not making a mistake through this all. He wasted no time at all trying to contact other female to get his freak on. He wasted no time at all trying to find some one ... any one... to talk to. I can't believe he's going day to day feeling good about himself. And I can't believe he'd blame me if we were to work things out and go back to Atlanta and I would be jealous and question him every time he left the house and every time he came back in. You do it to yourself. You can't not talk to females. YOU CAN'T. Maybe you were supposed to be gay... maybe you just get along better with females. I don't understand... but then again I don't understand how you've not shed one tear over me. You still tell me you love me but you're not in the least bit heartbroken. I cry every time I think about it, and I've pretty much stopped eating regularly. I eat when I feel like I'm about to collapse. & that's it. This is doing a number on me emotionally and physically. It really is. I cannot stand it.

I can't explain it right now. But things are ending. & I need to know
what is a reasonable amount per month for child support for one child?

Considering I cannot find anything down here to rent for UNDER
$600 for a one bedroom - I'm in a bit of a pickle. other than that
I don't understand how jokes can be said about the situation we're in
and I don't understand how you've not shed one tear over it.
This gives me all the answer I need to keep pursuing this... ALL of the answer.

In the past month ...


She's learned to sit by herself...



She's learned to crawl...



She learned to pull up on things!...

I think it's important
for me to know that my uncle is confined because he's hearing voices in his head telling him to murder my mom & my aunt.
I also think it's important
in a marriage for the wife to be able to call the husband & talk about her fears in this situation,
him to console & reassure, & let that be that.

Brett, on the other hand, feels it necessary to say it's a stupid thing to worry over & then call my mom & ask her if she's worried,
after my mom had said not to tell anyone down here about all that mess going on.
Well, shit. There goes my moms trust out the window. Great, great, great.
And I can't even call anyone here living with me and talk to them about my problems
because lord help if their opinion is different from Brett's because he'll blow it out of proportion
and tell them their opinion is stupid & tell them to "shut the fuck up."



R-E-S-P-E-C-T ... right? isn't that how that long forgotten song goes?
Let's try some of it some time, aye?

LAFF!Z!!

http://www.track-your-partner.com



srsly.

Things are so up and down and back and forth, around and around. 
My uncle who's been having problems for ... i guess almost all his life ... pulled another one of his stunts. He's living with my mom & my aunt ... he told them that he had a warrent out for his arrest for not meeting his parole officer & that he was going to turn himself in. They drove him to the jail & he wanted to get out down the road. They didn't understand but did it anyways, i mean... damn, he was about to go to jail again... so my aunt, judy, called & called & called the jail to get in touch with him but the people at the jail said they had no record of him & that there was no warrent out for his arrest. it took him a week and a half to call them... today, and when he did he called from a crisis prevention center. he tried to O.D. [this isn't the first time, btw] on sleeping pills. The thing is, all my aunt asked of him was for him to get a job. it just irritates me when people are just ... careless and lazy like that. sure, life is bad for you right now but things can always get better and when you're not getting up everyday putting a foot in front of the other one, what are you doing? you're not doing anything for yourself you're just wasting air. i just cant comprehend... i can't. but he's had hard times in his life... very hard times. i just can't fathom this right now.


georgia is falling apart. [my family/friends] that is. and i hate myself. i hate myself for not being with them.

No matter what they say, I think everyone of them is the same. Wonder how God could fuck up genetics so much to misplace every guy's brain in the wrong head... you know what I'm saying? That's all Brett thinks/talks about & it's really starting to crawl under my skin & itch. It's like no matter what the girl looks like, it could be a 3,000 lbs cow walking through the store ... but he's gonna stair at her ass. & every movie he watches has some kind of sex scene in it, or at least it'll have ass & titties.

The perfect male, hmm, must be nice... but I do NOT think there is such thing as one.

Let's try it again... Here is my little princes:
Hahaha....




I got bit by a fire ant while taking the ones on the beach. It makes my eyes water just thinking about it. Bastards!

I know, I know, I know every mother has this time in her life especially with a younger child. But right now I feel so stupid & like I am the worst mom ever. Last week we were looking at bed guards for our bed because Madison is on the move lately. Rolling over & trying to sit & crawl & etc.... well I told myself to wait a while because she's so little now I can just put my arm around her and that'd be enough. Remember I don't get home until 12:30am so I'm pretty much asleep as soon as I lay down. She starts crying & I place her in bed with me. About 3:30am I hear Brett scream "MELISSA GOD DAMN IT WHAT THE FUCK!" And didn't think anything of it until I realized that Madison wasn't in the bed anymore... She rolled off the bed. She started SCREAMING & crying hysterically. I think she was asleep when it happened & I screamed bloody murder when I couldn't find her & reached to the floor & felt her laying there. I think she fell butt first, I can't tell. She doesn't have any knots on her head or bruises anywhere. Nothing seems to be broken. But I hate myself, I hate myself, I hate myself so much for this.
& Brett would rather rub it in my face than try to console me and tell me that it's okay, & that she's okay.